I could feel Jacob’s frustrated sigh against my lips as he began to step back to answer the phone while lowering his hands from my face, but I wasn’t having it.
I reacted impulsively and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him in for the kiss I now knew we both wanted. The phone continued to ring as our lips crashed together awkwardly at first.
Then, the truth began to sink in.
To me, this kiss was already so different than any of the ones I’d had before. Jacob’s lips were surprisingly soft…and so warm. And when his hands went back to cupping my face, I knew it was okay to lean into him without fear of being pushed away.
Immediately I knew I liked the way our lips seemed to mold together as if they were a perfect fit. When his tongue stroked my bottom lip, I couldn’t help the gasp that escaped my now parted lips.
His hot breath entered my mouth with his tongue as he teased mine with his. It made me lift my hands to tighten my fingers in his hair, pulling him even closer to me even as his arms slid down to wrap around my waist in an attempt to anchor me to him.
All too soon, he began to pull away from me. We let our lips linger against each others’ for another moment before he finally pulled away enough to put his forehead against mine.
It was then that sense seemed to sink in.
The phone must have stopped ringing sometime during the kiss, replaced by our heavy breathing and now by my rapidly beating heart in my ears. We stared into each other’s eyes and I saw my smile begin to form on Jacob’s precious face.
I could feel my own smile forming until Jacob stiffened and his smile disappeared. Before I could even ask what was wrong, his head snapped to the side where Alice appeared in the kitchen doorway looking panicked.
“Bella!” she exclaimed over Jacob’s low growling. “It’s Edward! Rosalie told him what I saw of you and the cliff! He thinks you didn’t survive it! He’s going to the Volturi!”
As I put a calming hand on Jacob’s arm, I knew what Alice’s exclamation meant because I remembered what Edward had told me that night we had watched Romeo and Juliet together.
“I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi…You don’t irritate them. Not unless you want to die.”
I was about to reply to Alice just as the phone began to ring again. This time I reached out and brought the receiver to my ear.
“Hello?”
Silence was my answer.
I frowned. “Hello? Is anyone there?” I snapped, impatiently.
“Bella?” came the musical voice I had once loved to hear.
My eyes snapped to Jacob’s face where I saw his recognition of who was on the other end of the line.
“Edward,” I replied, hoping my voice sounded neutral.
“Bella! I thought…Rosalie…” his voice sounded strained, like he couldn’t believe I was really alive.
“I know, Alice just told me what happened, but I’m alive. I’m okay.”
“What happened? Did you really…”
“Yes,” I answered a bit impatiently, then caught myself and sighed. “I jumped off a cliff. It’s a long story and I’m not willing to get into it with you.”
“Bella, I’m sorry…”
I wouldn’t let him finish. “Edward, I’m okay. It’s over with. You don’t have to go to the Volturi. You don’t have to end your life for me.”
I saw Jacob flinch at my words before his shoulders seemed to hunch over in defeat. As Edward began to speak again, Jacob turned to leave but I wouldn’t let him.
Curling my fingers around Jacob’s arm, I cut off Edward’s next words. “Listen Edward, all you need to know is that someone saved me from drowning. Someone was there for me. He helped me get through it.”
Jacob’s eyes flew to mine as I said those words to Edward and I knew he caught the double meaning in them when the hurt seemed to dissipate from his face. I kept my gaze locked with his as I continued to talk to Edward.
“I have a question though.”
There was a beat before he said, “What is it?”
“Why did you tell me that you didn’t care for me anymore and that it would be like you never existed, if you are still willing to give up your life at the first sign of danger to me?”
Again there was silence.
Then, just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer, his voice came faintly through the line. “Because it was a lie.”
I sucked in my breath and Jacob bared his teeth, but I refused to let him go and my eyes remained locked with his.
“What?” I snapped at Edward.
“I lied,” he repeated. “I never stopped loving you.”
I frowned as I felt the dull ache of that jagged hole in my chest. Only now, the throbbing was beginning to irritate me instead of making me double over in pain. I scowled at the irritation.
“That wasn’t fair!” I muttered. “You should never have played with my feelings like that!”
“I know that now. I’m so sorry, Bella.”
I couldn’t respond to that. I was angry now. Angry that he had never taken my feelings into account. He had never once thought about what could happen to me. It was as if he had never been aware of me or my feelings; as if my feelings didn’t even matter.
“Bella?” Edward asked, jarring me out of my musings.
I blinked and looked back into Jacob’s confused stare and suddenly I knew I had made the right decision. Edward couldn’t read me, with or without his gift, but Jacob didn’t need a gift to read me. He seemed to know what I needed without me ever having to say a word. Not only that, but he actually listened to my feelings and always took them into account even if he didn’t agree with them.
I slid my hand down his arm and twined my fingers with his as I spoke to Edward again.
“I’m still here.” This time I knew my voice was steady and neutral.
“Listen, why don’t we talk when I get back to Forks? I am going to book a flight as soon as I get off the phone with you, then call you when I land…”
But I was shaking my head and interrupted him yet again. “No Edward! I don’t think you should come back here!”
There was a pause.
“What?” he asked, sounding perplexed.
“You already left me. I don’t want you to come back. I think…I think it’s too late for that.”
I knew that if he came back, it would make things complicated for everyone involved and the last thing I wanted to do was make Jacob hurt anymore than I was already doing. Still, I hoped I had the strength to convince Edward and myself that it was best to just move on.
Jacob’s fingers squeezed tighter against my own, but there was no pain. It felt like he was only giving me the strength to tell Edward what I needed to say. I responded with my own squeeze to let him know I was okay.
I decided I’d try to negotiate with Edward. “If you do get on a plane, then go to Denali.” I told him, then added, “Your family misses you.”
“But what about you Bella?” he asked in a voice meant to sway me.
I wasn’t giving in to it this time. The warm fingers and dark, brown eyes in front of me made me realize I could resist temptation if I just made up my mind to do so.
“I’ll be alright,” I told him, “Alice can attest to that. I have to move on with my life…without you.”
“Bella,” There was another heavy pause. “Please.”
My jaw tightened and the hole in my chest throbbed again. Irritated once more, I gripped Jacob’s hand tighter and almost growled into the phone.
“Edward, you left me!” I snapped, finally done with his theatrics. “You did what you thought was right without even consulting me! That was your decision and for a long time I believed what you told me!”
I couldn’t stop the torrent of words that continued to flow from me. His voice only seemed to unleash all of the anguish and pain that I had bottled up inside of me since he had left me. Now, I was finally ready to let him know what he had done to me.
“You nearly broke me! Do you get that? You nearly killed me when you left! But I survived! Somehow I found the strength to go on! And now…now I don’t want you here! I found a reason to live! I have a life now and it doesn’t include you.”
I stopped because I could tell my voice had been rising. My chest heaved as I tried to get myself under control, but it wasn’t until I looked into those warm, brown eyes that I was able to find my calm again.
Even so, I waited until I could speak with a normal tone. “Go to Denali, Edward. Be with your family. It’s best if you don’t come back here again.”
“Are…are you sure?”
I didn’t even hesitate this time. “Yes, but there are some things I need you to promise me.”
I knew I had to make sure there could be no misunderstandings this time. Edward would know that this time, I meant business.
“I know these things may be hard for you, but you must. If…if you love me like you say you do, then you must promise me you’ll do them.”
I really hated saying that, but I knew Edward would understand it better if I appealed to his sense of honor.
Again there was a long silence and then I heard a resigned sigh. “What are they?”
I took a deep breath, then laid it all out for him. “First, I need you to mean what you said the last time you saw me. You told me I would never see you again, that you would never come back so I could go on with my life without interference from you.”
I paused to let him ingest that. He let me know when he was ready to hear the rest.
“What else?”
“No matter what happens to me from here on out, it’s my life. Let me live mine and you live yours. Don’t ever let my life dictate yours…ever.”
I knew he would understand what I was asking him to do. Despite the fact that I didn’t want him back in my life, I still loved him. I knew that would be true for a while since he was my first love, but there was no way I wanted him to die if something happened to me. It was essentially the same thing he had expected of me.
I waited for a few moments, giving him some time to let it all sink in.
While I waited, I let the tips of my fingers caress the skin over Jacob’s knuckles, watching the reaction in his face. His eyelashes fluttered, then his lids went to half-mast as his eyes darkened. I smiled at him when I felt his fingers squeeze mine, trying to stop their movement and thus stop distracting ourselves.
“Well?” I asked Edward, impatience finally catching up with me.
Another beat and then, “Fine.”
I scowled. “No Edward! You have to promise me.”
“Bella, you don’t know what you’re asking of me!”
“I do know!” I growled again. “You wanted me to move on! So I am, but I need you to do that too!”
“I don’t know if I can.”
I sighed and closed my eyes, but didn’t let go of Jacob’s hand.
“Please Edward, do this for me.” I cringed at those pleading words even though I knew they were necessary with him. “You have to…let go.”
I knew everyone could hear the plea in my voice. I needed Edward to promise me this. It was the only way I could see myself letting go of him and moving on.
I knew I was gaining the strength to let go of him on my own, but Edward needed to help me out here. It was as if hearing his verbal release of me was all I needed to really let go of him. To put him in the past where he now belonged.
He sighed. “I never could say no to you.”
There was another pause and then, “I promise, Bella. I will do as you ask but only because I…love you.”
I swallowed the retort I’d wanted to say. “Thank you, Edward.” I answered civilly instead.
“I shall miss you, you know,” came his voice once more.
I gripped Jacob’s hand harder. “I know.”
When I didn’t offer him anything else, he continued.
“I guess this is goodbye then?”
“Yes. It is.”
“Very well then,” I could hear the sadness in his voice, “Goodbye my sweet Bella.”
“Goodbye Edward,” I replied as neutrally as possible.
I waited until I heard the dial tone that told me he had really hung up before replacing the receiver back where it belonged. As soon as I did, my eyes flicked to Alice’s.
“He’ll keep his word?” I asked.
She closed her eyes for a few moments before nodding and looking at me. “We will all make sure that he does.”
That was all the confirmation that I needed as I finally turned back to look into Jacob’s eyes.
My past had been taken care of and now it was time to face my future.
No comments:
Post a Comment