I stood there staring into his dark brown eyes, his warm hand firmly gripped in mine. Heavy silence hung between us as the conversation I had just had on the phone began to solidify between us. Alice stood next to me, the shock long gone from her face, now replaced with new understanding. Even without her ability to see into the future, she knew what I was doing long before he did.
Looking into my best friend’s eyes, I knew I had done the right thing, even if he was still confused. Both he and Alice had witnessed the phone call and I knew they could hear both ends of the conversation with their supernatural hearing. Yet that didn’t stop the confusion and bewilderment from forming in his eyes. He stood staring at me as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.
Not even the firm grip I had on his hand nor the unwavering stare I gave him seemed to be enough to convince him that what I had said had been the truth. Only Alice believed me. Only she understood what it all meant.
But I was the one to break the silence.
“Alice?”
“Yes?” came her soft inquiry.
“Could you give us a moment?”
My eyes never left his, but I could feel her hesitation. I knew she was looking from me to him and back again. Finally her voice rang out in its clear bell-like way.
“Fine. Just call my cell when you’re ready for me.”
And with that we were alone again.
It was a few moments that I continued to look steadily into his eyes. Then, I slowly released his hand from the confines of mine.
“Jacob…” I started, but was quickly cut off by his husky voice.
“Did you mean that?” He asked, a hint of fear laced through his voice.
When I didn’t reply, he continued. “Bells, please. Tell me the truth. Are you really going to do that?”
His voice broke towards the end, as if he still couldn’t believe what he’d heard.
I knew it was time for me to face the music. This was it. After all that had happened and after the phone conversation I just had, I knew there was no going back.
Jacob deserved nothing but the truth from me, it was the least I could do for him now. I knew he deserved so much more than that, so much more than I could ever give him.
I looked up into his expectant face. He seemed to literally be holding his breath, waiting for my answer.
“Yes.”
One word.
Just that one little word was all it took for Jacob to breathe again. And then he had me in his arms, twirling me around in Charlie’s small kitchen. His exuberance spilled over into me and I couldn’t help but laugh with him.
“Jake!” I squealed, “Okay, put me down now!”
He did as I asked and I could see the smile on his face. My heart stuttered for a few moments because it was the smile I had come to love.
My smile, my sun.
“Oh Bells! I knew all I had to do was wait for you. I knew it!”
He leaned down to kiss me, but this time I backed up. This time I knew I had to be frank with him before we did anything else.
“Wait, Jacob, we should talk. There are some things I need to tell you before this goes any further.”
His smile faltered, but I took his hand in mine and led him towards the kitchen table.
“It’s nothing bad,” I reassured him, “I just need you to know where I stand okay?”
He nodded as he sat down next to me at the table. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I had to say.
“I meant what I told Edward, about moving on. He made the choice to leave me and now I’m making mine.”
I paused to look into his eyes for a bit. It was long enough for Jacob to ask me a question.
“Just so we’re clear, what exactly is your choice?”
I took his hand in mine. “I’m willing to try being with you,” I continued before his smile and hopes got too big, “but Jacob, we can’t rush into things. I can’t rush, like I did with Edward. You have to know, I’m still not quite…right. And I may never be.”
Jacob sighed as he gave my hand a squeeze. “I get it Bella. There’s no rush, we have time and we’re still young.”
I nodded. “Yes, so let’s let things happen as naturally as possible and see where this goes, okay?”
“Sounds fair,” he agreed.
I smiled. “Good. But I need you to know that no matter what happens, I still consider you my best friend. You’ve always been there for me and you’ve always been honest. I need you to stay that way. And I’m going to do my best to do the same for you.”
“Bells, I told you that you don’t have to change for me. I like you just the way you are.”
“I know Jake, but you deserve that. You deserve so much more than me, you know.” The last came out in a whisper.
He stared at me for a few moments and I wondered if maybe he was finally starting to see that I wasn’t worthy of someone like him. Then he smiled my smile and reached his free hand up to cup my cheek.
“Doesn’t matter. All I want is you Bells.”
I closed my eyes in relief.
He still wanted me.
Despite my shortcomings, he still wanted me! “Okay,” I whispered.
I felt his fingers brushing against my cheek. “Um, does this mean I can call you my girlfriend?”
I opened my eyes to see the mirth twinkling in his eyes. I couldn’t help the smile that spread over my lips nor the way my chest seemed to swell as if something good and warm was filling the last of the holes that were left.
“Do you want to?” I asked.
His smile returned. “Yes!”
My smile now matched his. “As long as I can call you my boyfriend.”
He chuckled. “Deal.”
I laughed as I hugged him and he wrapped his arms around me. It felt good being held by Jacob, surrounded by his warmth and his earthy smell.
I sighed.
I felt rather than heard his chuckle rumbling in his chest. Then his voice came out more subdued than before.
“As much as I would love to stay like this for the rest of the day, I have to get to Harry’s funeral.”
I sighed again as my happiness became overshadowed by this sad event. Pulling away from him I said, “That’s okay. I have to talk to Alice anyway.”
The smile quickly left his face. “When is she leaving?”
I tried not to scowl. “I don’t know, but Jacob it shouldn’t matter! Alice is almost as close to a best friend to me as you are! You have to know, that even though I want nothing to do with Edward, I can’t say the same for the rest of the Cullens. They’re the family I never had and I still want to keep in touch with them.”
He ran a hand through his hair, looking a little agitated. Then he rose to his feet and held out a hand to help me up.
“Can we talk about this later? I really have to get going.”
I nodded as I took his hand and walked him to the door. “Sure. But if you want to come over later or something, call first. She may still be here.”
He nodded as he pulled the door open and stepped outside. We both glanced in the direction of his car to see Jared and Embry both pacing with scowls on their faces. The car had been turned off, but the doors remained open.
Jared stopped pacing long enough to motion towards the road in impatience. Jacob waved them off before turning back to me. He took a step towards me, invading my personal space.
“Bells?”
“Yes?” I asked.
“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.
I closed the distance between us and tilted my head back as one hand slid behind his neck. It was enough of an answer for him to bring his lips down to mine.
Once more our lips seemed to fit perfectly together as I lost myself in the warmth and softness of them. His hands rested on my waist, the heat penetrating through my shirt to the skin beneath it. Unfortunately this kiss was shorter than the first, but I knew it was because we had an audience.
As Jacob pulled away, I saw the dreamy look in his eyes as he spoke in a low voice. “I’ll call you.”
I nodded in response, sure that my eyes mirrored his.
He gave me his smile before bounding down the steps towards his car where I noticed Embry and Jared staring at him with mouths hanging open. I resisted the urge to laugh at the dumbfounded looks on their faces.
“What the hell was that?” exclaimed Jared, clearly the first to recover.
Jacob just shoved his shoulder. “None of your business, just get back in the car. We’re already running late.”
Embry shook his head, snapping himself out of it before following Jacob to the car. Jared took his time getting back behind the wheel, scowling at Jacob the entire time it took to get in, start the car and back out.
Jacob stuck his head out of the back window as they began to drive off, smiling and waving. I smiled and waved back, waiting until I couldn’t see them anymore before heading back inside.
I walked over to the couch and sat down, staring at nothing in particular. I knew there was still a lot more I had to say to Jacob, a lot of things I believed he had to know about me before we could move further. But just like I had thought before, I was sure it wouldn’t change how he felt about me. Still, I needed him to know the truth of me and that I believed he was and probably would always be too good for me.
Despite all of that, I had already begun to make a resolution. I resolved that from that moment on I was going to make a commitment to him. I was going to use every part of me that I had left to make Jacob happy. It was the least I could do after everything he’d done for me.
I knew it was a step in the right direction for me too. It was time I learned how to make myself happy, to make myself whole again. I knew this time I could do it with someone like Jacob by my side. He wouldn’t smother me and he wouldn’t become a crutch for me. Unlike Edward, Jacob treated me like a person, not like a puppet or a china doll. He would let me make my own decisions and my own mistakes, but I knew he would be there if I needed him.
And I was sure I would, but I swore to myself to never take advantage of that again. From now on, I had to build my own strength and my own sense of self. I had to make myself into someone who could be even remotely close to a person worthy of someone like Jacob Black.
But first, there was another part of my life I had to deal with. I turned to look at the phone with a sigh.
I still had to make my peace with the rest of the Cullen family, starting with the very bubbly and sometimes devious Alice Cullen.
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